Shit My Dad Says

"I like babies, just saying they live inside a host body and feed off it. That’s a parasite..."

Wed, 02 Jan 2013 15:12:52 -0500

“I like babies, just saying they live inside a host body and feed off it. That’s a parasite … Yes, I could raise a tape worm and love it.”

"Anyone who thinks they know what’s best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So..."

Fri, 09 Nov 2012 09:46:09 -0500

“Anyone who thinks they know what’s best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So we’re just voting for king of the assholes.”

"The 1st amendment doesn’t say I have to listen to bullshit. Just ‘cause farting’s..."

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 15:39:23 -0400

“The 1st amendment doesn’t say I have to listen to bullshit. Just ‘cause farting’s legal don’t mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole.”

"No. You don’t read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody’s shit..."

Wed, 15 Aug 2012 09:24:11 -0400

“No. You don’t read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody’s shit smells like yours, doesn’t mean it’s not still shit.”

"No Father’s day gifts. Just write me a card … Of course I’m kidding. Buy me shit,..."

Wed, 15 Aug 2012 09:23:58 -0400

“No Father’s day gifts. Just write me a card … Of course I’m kidding. Buy me shit, I created you.”

"We ain’t a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die,..."

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 09:56:59 -0400

“We ain’t a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that.”

"No. Politicians don’t wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when..."

Mon, 04 Jun 2012 15:33:32 -0400

“No. Politicians don’t wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit.”

"No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I’d be all for..."

Fri, 11 May 2012 10:17:40 -0400

“No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I’d be all for it.”

"No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you."

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 16:06:04 -0400

“No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you.”

"You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit."

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 16:05:51 -0400

“You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit.”

"You’re not going bald…No, I meant you’re not GOING bald ‘cause you’re..."

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 12:18:35 -0400

“You’re not going bald…No, I meant you’re not GOING bald ‘cause you’re already fucking bald. Don’t make me live in your fantasy land.”

"Valentine’s day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to..."

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 11:20:13 -0500

“Valentine’s day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to talk your wife into screwing you, it’s over.”

"These candidates are dog shit. All we’re doing is picking out the dick that’s going to..."

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 12:11:35 -0500

“These candidates are dog shit. All we’re doing is picking out the dick that’s going to fuck us.”

"I’m in Cincinnati at a waffle house that’s across from 2 waffle houses. Everyone’s..."

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 08:52:38 -0500

“I’m in Cincinnati at a waffle house that’s across from 2 waffle houses. Everyone’s fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of Diabetes.””

“Bullshit. War ain’t over till people stop shooting. You can’t say you’re...

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 08:34:20 -0400

“Bullshit. War ain’t over till people stop shooting. You can’t say you’re done taking a crap if shit’s still coming out of your ass.”

"There won’t be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave..."

Fri, 14 Oct 2011 09:21:25 -0400

““There won’t be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We ain’t a species made to last.””

"Bullshit. Don’t pretend you don’t care about your birthday. It’s like watching a..."

Mon, 19 Sep 2011 08:55:26 -0400

“Bullshit. Don’t pretend you don’t care about your birthday. It’s like watching a hooker pretend she’s out for a walk when cops drive by.”

"You can’t come…Because it’s not a vacation if my family is with me. I could..."

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 10:00:05 -0400

“You can’t come…Because it’s not a vacation if my family is with me. I could vacation in my fucking house if you people left it.”

"He’s nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just ‘cause a piece of shit dries up and stops..."

Fri, 22 Jul 2011 10:11:28 -0400

“He’s nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just ‘cause a piece of shit dries up and stops smelling, doesn’t mean it’s not still a piece of shit.”

"You didn’t get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Best Buy will not be the..."

Mon, 16 May 2011 08:59:15 -0400

“You didn’t get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Best Buy will not be the one with the sore asshole tomorrow.”