Shit My Dad Says

WENT through an awkward phase? What phase you think you’re in now? Ever seen yourself walk up stairs? It’s like a T-rex that shit himself."

So he likes drugs and hookers. That’s the mustard & mayo on the sandwich of life. Problem is, that’s all he’s got on his fucking sandwich."

I just don’t wanna celebrate a bullshit holiday. I’m plenty romantic. I own a home and have never shit my pants. Two things you can’t say."

No. Aliens exist, I just don’t think they came millions of light years just to see earth. Be like driving 1000 miles to go to an Arby’s

No thanks. I don’t need a party to celebrate New Year’s. All I need is a bottle of bourbon and a t-shirt that hangs down passed my balls."

Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don’t argue with a nobody. A farmer doesn’t bother telling a pig his breath smells like shit."

No. I want the salad … Live a little? I’m ordering lunch. I don’t have a choice between salad or fucking skydiving."

He’s a politician. It’s like being a hooker. You can’t be one unless you can pretend to like people while you’re fucking them."

You don’t have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty option. Example: We’re eating at The Olive Garden."

Nervous? In 5 billion years the sun will burn out and nothing you did will matter. Feel better?"