Shit My Dad Says

You’re not going bald…No, I meant you’re not GOING bald ‘cause you’re already fucking bald. Don’t make me live in your fantasy land."

Valentine’s day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to talk your wife into screwing you, it’s over."

These candidates are dog shit. All we’re doing is picking out the dick that’s going to fuck us."

I’m in Cincinnati at a waffle house that’s across from 2 waffle houses. Everyone’s fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of Diabetes."

“Bullshit. War ain’t over till people stop shooting. You can’t say you’re done taking a crap if shit’s still coming out of your ass.”

There won’t be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We ain’t a species made to last."

Bullshit. Don’t pretend you don’t care about your birthday. It’s like watching a hooker pretend she’s out for a walk when cops drive by."

You can’t come…Because it’s not a vacation if my family is with me. I could vacation in my fucking house if you people left it."

He’s nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just ‘cause a piece of shit dries up and stops smelling, doesn’t mean it’s not still a piece of shit."

You didn’t get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Best Buy will not be the one with the sore asshole tomorrow."