August 2009
25 posts
“I just did an hour on the gym machine. I’m sweaty and I have to shit....”
“[to my bro] Your baby dropped his binky. The binky is on the table. THE BINKY IS...”
“[watching the Little League World Series] These kids are all fat. I remember...”
“You know, sometimes it’s nice having you around. But now ain’t one...”
“Your mother rented this film, What Happens In Vegas. I thought it was going to...”
“The dog don’t like you planting stuff there. It’s his backyard. If...”
“How the fuck should I know if it’s still good? Eat it. You get sick, it...”
“Who is this woman?….Kate Beckinsale? Well, you can tell Kate Beckinsale...”
“You need to flush the toilet more than once…No, YOU, YOU specifically need...”
“Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for...”
“Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It...”
“Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices… Jesus, Joni (my mom)...”
“Don’t touch the bacon, it’s not done yet. You let me handle the...”
“The dog is not bored, it’s a fucking dog. It’s not like he’s...”
“They serve Jim Beam on airplanes. Tastes like piss. You wouldn’t be able...”
“My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday…You want to watch what? What the fuck is...”
“It’s watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put...”
“[left on answering machine] Hello? Hello? It’s Sam. Anyone there? Nobody...”
“If your brother comes by, tell him I’m on vacation. I already told him...”
“Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in Tennessee, I think.”
“Jesus it’s hot in here? Right? No? It’s fucking hot, you people...”
“When I used to live in Los Angeles, I used to step in human feces a lot.”
“The dog is an outside dog. You want an inside dog, you go get your own inside.”
“Why would I want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to...”
“I didn’t live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale. Don’t fix me...”
