January 2013
1 post
“I like babies, just saying they live inside a host body and feed off it....”
November 2012
1 post
“Anyone who thinks they know what’s best for 300 million people is a...”
September 2012
1 post
“The 1st amendment doesn’t say I have to listen to bullshit. Just...”
August 2012
2 posts
“No. You don’t read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because...”
“No Father’s day gifts. Just write me a card … Of course I’m...”
June 2012
2 posts
“We ain’t a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what...”
“No. Politicians don’t wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is...”
May 2012
1 post
“No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to,...”
April 2012
3 posts
“No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone...”
“You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog...”
“You’re not going bald…No, I meant you’re not GOING bald...”
February 2012
1 post
“Valentine’s day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you...”
January 2012
1 post
“These candidates are dog shit. All we’re doing is picking out the dick...”
December 2011
1 post
“I’m in Cincinnati at a waffle house that’s across from 2 waffle...”
October 2011
2 posts
“Bullshit. War ain’t over till people stop shooting. You can’t say you’re done taking a crap if shit’s still coming out of your ass.”
“There won’t be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when...”
September 2011
1 post
“Bullshit. Don’t pretend you don’t care about your birthday....”
August 2011
1 post
“You can’t come…Because it’s not a vacation if my family is...”
July 2011
1 post
“He’s nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just ‘cause a piece of shit...”
May 2011
1 post
“You didn’t get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Best...”
April 2011
1 post
“WENT through an awkward phase? What phase you think you’re in now? Ever...”
March 2011
1 post
“So he likes drugs and hookers. That’s the mustard & mayo on the...”
February 2011
1 post
“I just don’t wanna celebrate a bullshit holiday. I’m plenty...”
January 2011
2 posts
No. Aliens exist, I just don’t think they came millions of light years just to see earth. Be like driving 1000 miles to go to an Arby’s
“No thanks. I don’t need a party to celebrate New Year’s. All I need...”
December 2010
1 post
“Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don’t argue with a nobody. A...”
November 2010
1 post
“No. I want the salad … Live a little? I’m ordering lunch. I...”
October 2010
2 posts
“He’s a politician. It’s like being a hooker. You can’t be one...”
“You don’t have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty...”
September 2010
2 posts
“Nervous? In 5 billion years the sun will burn out and nothing you did will...”
“You came out of your mom looking like shit. She thought you were beautiful....”
August 2010
2 posts
“Put the rake down. I don’t wanna sit around watching you ‘give it...”
“See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I’m...”
July 2010
1 post
“Invite them. A wedding is a loaded gun. Don’t be the asshole staring...”
June 2010
4 posts
“Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your...”
“Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows … Oh sorry, congrats on...”
“Look, we’re basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your...”
WatchTrailer for $#*! My Dad Says
May 2010
5 posts
“No. Humans will die out. We’re weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten...”
“They’re offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck; they’re just words...”
“I don’t want your advice, you’re 27 fucking years old … Fine. ...”
“YOU, a published writer?..Internet don’t count. Any asshole can throw shit...”
– (Book On Sale Today!) http://tinyurl.com/yc79h4l
“You seen my cell phone? … What’s it look like? Like two horses fucking. ...”
April 2010
7 posts
“Stop trying so hard. He doesn’t like you. Jesus, don’t kiss an ass...”
“It’s Los Angeles, son. It’s the epicenter of the asshole earthquake. They’d...”
“I’m not sure you can call that roughing it, son … Well, for one, there was a...”
“Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the...”
“I found some shit in your room .. .No, I found actual shit. Feces … Well I...”
“Don’t start a story with ‘This is SO funny.’ Be like saying,...”
“Your mom just ordered 35 copies of your book. I’m not paying for one....”
