December 2011
1 post
“I’m in Cincinnati at a waffle house that’s across from 2 waffle...”
October 2011
2 posts
“Bullshit. War ain’t over till people stop shooting. You can’t say you’re done taking a crap if shit’s still coming out of your ass.”
“There won’t be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when...”
September 2011
1 post
“Bullshit. Don’t pretend you don’t care about your birthday....”
August 2011
1 post
“You can’t come…Because it’s not a vacation if my family is...”
July 2011
1 post
“He’s nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just ‘cause a piece of shit...”
May 2011
1 post
“You didn’t get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Best...”
April 2011
1 post
“WENT through an awkward phase? What phase you think you’re in now? Ever...”
March 2011
1 post
“So he likes drugs and hookers. That’s the mustard & mayo on the...”
February 2011
1 post
“I just don’t wanna celebrate a bullshit holiday. I’m plenty...”
January 2011
2 posts
No. Aliens exist, I just don’t think they came millions of light years just to see earth. Be like driving 1000 miles to go to an Arby’s
“No thanks. I don’t need a party to celebrate New Year’s. All I need...”
December 2010
1 post
“Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don’t argue with a nobody. A...”
November 2010
1 post
“No. I want the salad … Live a little? I’m ordering lunch. I...”
October 2010
2 posts
“He’s a politician. It’s like being a hooker. You can’t be one...”
“You don’t have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty...”
September 2010
2 posts
“Nervous? In 5 billion years the sun will burn out and nothing you did will...”
“You came out of your mom looking like shit. She thought you were beautiful....”
August 2010
2 posts
“Put the rake down. I don’t wanna sit around watching you ‘give it...”
“See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I’m...”
July 2010
1 post
“Invite them. A wedding is a loaded gun. Don’t be the asshole staring...”
June 2010
4 posts
“Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your...”
“Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows … Oh sorry, congrats on...”
“Look, we’re basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your...”
WatchTrailer for $#*! My Dad Says
May 2010
5 posts
“No. Humans will die out. We’re weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten...”
“They’re offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck; they’re just words...”
“I don’t want your advice, you’re 27 fucking years old … Fine. ...”
“YOU, a published writer?..Internet don’t count. Any asshole can throw shit...”
– (Book On Sale Today!) http://tinyurl.com/yc79h4l
“You seen my cell phone? … What’s it look like? Like two horses fucking. ...”
April 2010
7 posts
“Stop trying so hard. He doesn’t like you. Jesus, don’t kiss an ass...”
“It’s Los Angeles, son. It’s the epicenter of the asshole earthquake. They’d...”
“I’m not sure you can call that roughing it, son … Well, for one, there was a...”
“Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the...”
“I found some shit in your room .. .No, I found actual shit. Feces … Well I...”
“Don’t start a story with ‘This is SO funny.’ Be like saying,...”
“Your mom just ordered 35 copies of your book. I’m not paying for one....”
March 2010
5 posts
“I didn’t say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking than...”
“Don’t ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying...”
“War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say, ‘This is what...”
“HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has ‘fucking people’ down to a...”
“I lost 20 pounds … How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the...”
“Science and Mother Nature are in a marriage where Science is always surprised to...”
February 2010
8 posts
“A parent’s only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize...”
William Shatner cast in "Shit My Dad Says" Pilot →
“There’s a word for people like that … No, I’m saying,...”
“Nah, we don’t celebrate it. Don’t know who St. Valentine was,...”
“I don’t get it; I sweat, I smell fine. You sweat, you smell like mule shit...”
“Don’t mess with him … Trust me, you don’t fuck with a man that...”
“STOP apologizing. You’re sorry, he gets it, Jesus. You spilled a glass of...”