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    "Everybody’s broke, so here’s the rule for Christmas this year: if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit."
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    "We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."
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  3. #
    "No. Tell ‘em we’re not doing Christmas dinner at a casino … Don’t be an ass about it, but tell them why it’s a fucking stupid idea."
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  4. #
    "I don’t need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I’m old. I’m through moving shit."
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  5. #
    "A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face… My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching."
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  6. #
    "Remember this: you’re just a lucky fucking guy. If people start telling you your dick looks bigger, remember that it’s not."
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  7. #
    Twitter user 'Shit My Dad Says' gets CBS deal Arrow
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  8. #
    "You look just like Stephen Hawking … Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?… Fine. Forget I said it."
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  9. #
    "Mom and I saw a great movie last night…No, don’t remember the name. It was about a guy or, no, wait.. fuck, getting old sucks."
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  10. #
    "Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn’t invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."
    11. Comments
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