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"Everybody’s broke, so here’s the rule for Christmas this year: if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit."
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"We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."
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"No. Tell ‘em we’re not doing Christmas dinner at a casino … Don’t be an ass about it, but tell them why it’s a fucking stupid idea."
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"I don’t need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I’m old. I’m through moving shit."
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"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face… My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching."
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"Remember this: you’re just a lucky fucking guy. If people start telling you your dick looks bigger, remember that it’s not."
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Twitter user 'Shit My Dad Says' gets CBS deal
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"You look just like Stephen Hawking … Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?… Fine. Forget I said it."
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"Mom and I saw a great movie last night…No, don’t remember the name. It was about a guy or, no, wait.. fuck, getting old sucks."
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"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn’t invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."