Shit My Dad Says

These candidates are dog shit. All we’re doing is picking out the dick that’s going to fuck us."

I’m in Cincinnati at a waffle house that’s across from 2 waffle houses. Everyone’s fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of Diabetes."

“Bullshit. War ain’t over till people stop shooting. You can’t say you’re done taking a crap if shit’s still coming out of your ass.”

There won’t be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We ain’t a species made to last."

Bullshit. Don’t pretend you don’t care about your birthday. It’s like watching a hooker pretend she’s out for a walk when cops drive by."

You can’t come…Because it’s not a vacation if my family is with me. I could vacation in my fucking house if you people left it."

He’s nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just ‘cause a piece of shit dries up and stops smelling, doesn’t mean it’s not still a piece of shit."

You didn’t get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Best Buy will not be the one with the sore asshole tomorrow."

WENT through an awkward phase? What phase you think you’re in now? Ever seen yourself walk up stairs? It’s like a T-rex that shit himself."

So he likes drugs and hookers. That’s the mustard & mayo on the sandwich of life. Problem is, that’s all he’s got on his fucking sandwich."