Shit My Dad Says

I like babies, just saying they live inside a host body and feed off it. That’s a parasite … Yes, I could raise a tape worm and love it."

Anyone who thinks they know what’s best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So we’re just voting for king of the assholes."

The 1st amendment doesn’t say I have to listen to bullshit. Just ‘cause farting’s legal don’t mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole."

No. You don’t read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody’s shit smells like yours, doesn’t mean it’s not still shit."

No Father’s day gifts. Just write me a card … Of course I’m kidding. Buy me shit, I created you."

We ain’t a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."

No. Politicians don’t wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit."

No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I’d be all for it."

No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you."

You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit."